Boomerang
by lostinwriting23
Summary: 3x24 After Roy's shot through when Kate and the boys talk. Rated for safety. Family, comfort, friendship, and a little love.
1. Chapter 1

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple**

**So. I'm back. I've missed writing Warm so much. :( So this was something I've been thinking on for a while. What happens right after the Captain is shot and the boys come to Beckett's to talk. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. Beckett might be a little OOC but... Call it artistic lisence. Or something. I hope she's kinda true to character though. Anyway, here it is :)**

**Also READ THIS NOTE! Josh and Beckett broke up after LA in this one too (I'm kind of a fan of doing that haha it makes it less complicated) but since I don't even reference him in this, I thought you should know.**

**Anyway.**

**Drop me a review if you liked it (or hated it, constructive criticism please?) or have ideas for other one-shots to write. Thank and I hope you enjoy**

**M**

Boomerang

The ring of the final fatal shot was still echoing in my ears even as Castle and I clambered into my car. I was in a surreal bubble. Captain Montgomery was involved in my mother's case. And then… he'd… God he was dead. He'd sacrificed himself to save me. Why? I felt the tears I'd been holding back since CSU showed up, welling up again. I couldn't even process what had…

"Kate?" I flinched at the use of my first name, offered in that soft, measured tone he had. He'd stood with me, carried me out of the damn hanger and out of danger, quieted my… I didn't even have a name for the sounds of agony that had somehow forced their way through my lips. During questioning, he had constantly been hovering at my elbow, so close that I could feel his warmth, offering strength. And then, without even a signal from me, he'd followed me to my car and got in the passenger side. Like nothing had happened last night.

How could he be so… okay with me after everything I'd said to him? After how I'd treated him? I told him we were over and here he was pulling me out again, out of the rabbit hole, out of harm's way.

Shouldn't he hate me? Shouldn't I just be a sore spot in his life, unmoving, stubborn, a constant source of irritation and pain? One traitorous tear fell and it felt like defeat. I wiped it away angrily, trying to be as discreet as possible. The captain was gone (that was a whole other tear in my chest, so soon after… Royce's tear was still raw. I couldn't handle it.) and with him, the only link to my mother's case. I had treated Castle like shit and yet, here he was, being a force of good, protecting me when I didn't need or deserve it.

"Kate, look at me." I heard him move to my right but flinched again. No. If he touched me, it would all fall apart. Instead, I grabbed the keys, shoved them in the ignition, and started the car more aggressively than completely necessary.

"We need to call the boys, Castle. No one else needs to know about Montgomery." It was a concerted effort not to choke on his name. There were so many feelings no affiliated with him. Pain, sorrow, anger, broken trust. I couldn't even deal…

Castle opened his mouth as if to protest but then abruptly shut it and nodded, "I'll call Ryan. Where do you want to meet them?" he sounded about as hollow as I felt.

"My place."

He nodded curtly and we both took out our phones. The car pulled smoothly out of the parking lot of the hanger and we left behind the flashing blue lights and the bright tape of Roy's last stand.

"Yo," Esposito answered on the second ring, "Beckett, what…?"

"We need to meet, Espo. The four of us. My place."

"Beckett, what happened? The captain?" the tone of his voice almost made me lose it again.

"He's gone." It came out as a half choked whisper but in knew he could hear me.

"No…" the air whooshed from his lungs on the word.

"There's stuff. Things we need to discuss. See you there?"

"Yeah… I just. Yeah I'll be there." He sounded suddenly lost. Montgomery had brought him into the force too. It had to be killing him like it was killing me. There was a click and the line went dead.

The darkness of the suburbs where the hanger was located, gave way to the constant, harsh lights of the city. Castle's slow, low voice lulled me into a state of semi-consciousness. The shock was taking over mostly now and everything was just disappearing.

"Okay we'll see you guys soon," Castle tugged his phone from his ear and shoved it back in his pocket.

"How's Ryan taking it?" I rasped, staring straight ahead as we wove through traffic even though it was nearing four in the morning.

"Well as we could expect. Esposito?"

"About the same."

We were silent again but I could feel him watching me. There was so much that needed saying. And the words just weren't falling together.

"I'm sorry for what I said yesterday." I murmured finally after a silence that stretched on far too long, "You were absolutely right about everything. I'm just scared and I want everything just… over."

"No, Kate I over stepped and I'm the one who's afraid and-"

"You had my best interest at heart and… you were just saying things I didn't want to hear and I knew you were right but I got mad and…"

"Look…" He sounded exhausted, "We'll figure all the rest of this out later, okay? What matters now is we're both alive."

"Yeah…" I swallowed hard, trying not to think about Montgomery lying cold in the hanger, and turned my attention back to the road, squeezing the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turned white.

We rode in silence the rest of the way to my apartment. Every block or so, I glanced over at him. The amber of the streetlights turned his chestnut hair copper and his eyes seemed to be an even brighter blue than usual, almost luminescent. This man was… extraordinary. How'd he even end up in my life? What had I done to deserve such an amazing friend? I certainly hadn't done him or myself any favors tonight.

"Kate." I'd automatically pulled up at my building and put the car into park but hadn't moved any further than that.

"Oh, right. Yeah. Let's go." I jerked the key out of the car and it sputtered and died. Castle popped out of his side of the car and was halfway around to mine as I got out. I took a final deep breath before setting foot on the cool pavement. The world tipped suddenly and I sagged against the car door.

"Beckett? You okay?" I blinked hard and Castle swam into focus.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine..." I forced myself away from the car, shouldering gently past him, and we headed towards my dark building. Something warm settled in the small of my back as we passed through the lobby. Castle's hand was barely skimming over my jacket.

I swallowed a sigh and some opposing, well chosen, words and asked, "Did Ryan say where he was?"

"No," The elevator arrived and we stepped on cautiously, Castle's hand falling away from my back, "Esposito?"

"Said he'd be here soon." We lapsed into silence again. There wasn't really much to say. I just kept playing over what the Captain had said, the look on his face as Castle carried me out, the blood leaking from the corner of his lips as he lay on the floor… My throat constricted and the world spun again. _Captain's gone. He had something to do with Mom's murder. Lockwood's dead. My case is dead._

To my left Castle sighed and leaned back against the elevator. Suddenly I felt selfish. I was a bad partner, bad friend. I'd been thinking about _me_ and how screwed up _I_ was getting when Castle had been there the whole time, felt some of the betrayal, the sadness. This wasn't even his job. He wasn't some hardened cop who had seen death and lost comrades. He was a mystery writer. He didn't need to deal with this alone. None of this was fair to him.

Cautiously, I bridged the small gap between us, refusing to think about what I was doing. His hands hung limply at his sides and I reached over to link my pinkie around his. He jumped at my touch and then cautiously, slowly wound his back around mine, squeezing it gently. The contact wasn't much but it was what we both needed. An anchor, someone to draw strength from.

The elevator chimed and the doors slid open. Castle pulled himself away from the walls, letting our linked pinkies slide apart. I instantly missed the contact, minimal as it was. The hallway was dark as we walked to my door. The shadows were deepest at either end of it. In my head I saw Roy and Lockwood squared off in the darkest corners. My fingers slipped around my keys and they clattered to the floor.

"Damn it." I cursed myself and bent down to pick them back up, but Castle beat me to it, snatching them up and inserting them deftly in the door and twisting, even kicking the bottom the way that I did, knowing it was the best way to open it swiftly.

"Thanks," I muttered as he dropped the keys in the dish by the door and shrugged off his jacket. His fingers snuck under the collar of my jacket and he helped me peel it off.

"I got it, thanks Castle." His caring was too much. I should be the one taking care of him. Not the other way around.

"Do you want me to make some coffee?" he whispered as we ventured further into my house, flipping on lights as we went.

I shrugged, "If you want."

He peeled off from me as we passed the kitchen, muttering about something to do with his hands. I wandered into the living room, not really paying any attention to where I was going and bumping my shins with the coffee table in the process. I swore to myself again and righted myself from the stumble.

"Beckett." I jerked up hearing Castle call. Feeling more panic than the situation warranted, I darted in the kitchen to find him bent over my refrigerator.

"What, Castle?"

"Why do you have no food in this house?" he sounded almost mad.

"What? I'm sure there's something in there."

"Oh please excuse me. Three slices of American cheese, half a stick of butter, almost out of date milk, and a styrofoam container that looks like it's been there since I wrote _In Hail of Bullets._ Seriously what do you eat?"

I yanked open the cabinet to reveal three boxes of mac'n'cheese, a packet of Ramen, and half a chocolate bar. Oh I needed to stock up.

"Oh, real healthy," he snarled.

"Hey I have frozen vegetables in the freezer. I'm at the precinct a lot and when I'm here I don't really feel like making a three course meal! This isn't any of your concern anyway." I flared up instantly, transferring fear and sadness into anger at his overreaction.

"The hell it isn't. You're my partner! _I _care about you! You need to take better care of yourself! Your job's physically demanding, you work yourself through the ground as it is and you're running on nothing. You need to stay healthy, stay-"

"Castle! What-"

A knock on the door cause us both to jump, effectively interrupting our extremely bizarre argument. It was like we couldn't deal with one thing so we moved on to an easier thing to freak out about. Castle's icy eyes stared into mine and I glared right back, trying to get him to back down. For once he didn't.

The knock came again and I tore my gaze from him and went to the door. Although I was almost certain of who it was, I checked the peep hole just in case. There was no need. It was the boys, just like I'd expected.

"Hey guys." I shut the door behind them locking it back. Castle wandered in from the kitchen, seeming to have lost his anger from earlier, reverting back to crushed. I quashed the sudden, inexplicable need to wrap my arms around him and let him cry and cry myself. No. Not right now. There were things that needed to be said, clarified, taken care of.

"Beckett is he really…?" Ryan looked at me beseechingly and I could barely force myself to nod. His knees looked like they gave out and he sank to my couch, head in his hands. Esposito opted for the end of it, sitting ramrod straight, trying to remain the big macho guy that he thought he was, but I could see his back teeth grinding as he fought away the tears. Castle sat down in one of the seats near the couch and I took the one across from him, with the coffee table between us.

We were silent for several minutes. Reflecting I supposed. All the moments with the Captain, how we'd first met him, times when we'd truly admired him. I tried to focus on the good times, told myself that I had forgiven him but rage still filled my chest. He'd lied and protected me and given himself up. He was just another person who left. He was gone and I needed him. We all needed him.

Ryan ran his fingers through his short, spikey hair, before grabbing two tufts of it and pulling with considerable force. His cheeks were wet. Javier seemed to have completely shut down. He hadn't moved, hadn't blinked just stared straight ahead, looking like a statue, but the grief in his eyes was palpable.

I couldn't bring myself to look at Castle though I could feel his eyes on me, trying to gauge how I was reacting, reading me as he did so well. If I looked at him, saw the pain and fear in his eyes I wouldn't be able to keep holding back.

Finally I decided to speak. We'd been sitting in silence for long enough. It was time to do something.

"No one. No one outside of this immediate family ever needs to know about this." I forced my eyes up, away from my hands and tried to look each of them in the eye, hard as it was. They needed to understand what I was saying, how serious I was. The Captain may have betrayed me and the rest of us but he was still my Captain, my leader, someone who'd given up his life for me. We were still family.

We could bear the weight of what he'd done. His wife and children… _Oh god. Those poor girls. Their father was just gunned down. He knew it was going to happen. What would he have done in those last few hours?._ My brain started to turn his daughters into me but I shut them off. _No. They won't be like me. They've got their mother who's as strong a woman as any. And the man who killed their father is dead at his hand. That has to be some consolation._

So no one needed to know about the Captains involvement. He was a hero to the city who had died in the line of duty to protect the city he loved.

"As far as the world is concerned, Roy Montgomery died a hero. We owe it to him. All of us." I looked around at my boys again and they finally returned my gaze. Ryan first, a second tear trailing down his face and he made no efforts to hide it. He wasn't as afraid to feel as the rest of us. Esposito looked at me then, the first move he'd made since entering the apartment and I was surprised that cracks didn't spider web across his body, cracking under the pressure he placed upon himself. There was steel and anger masking the pain but he nodded, knowing what was right. Castle barely looked up at me for a moment, but more was exchanged in the glance than in the words I'd spoken.

We fell in to silence again. Somewhere far off, a siren started up but none of us paid any attention. It wasn't our concern at the moment. Figuring out how to protect the Captain and close the case _and_ stay safe was really all I cared about.

Ryan spoke up what felt like hours later, "I better go. Jenny's heard some stuff about this case and she's… I want to see her before she goes to work. Tell her… well. Ya know."

I nodded and he stood, finally drying his cheeks.

Esposito stood too avoiding everyone's eyes, "I better go too. Lanie ought to know that the Captain's… That Montgomery's gone."

"Don't tell her about… you know."

"Yeah. I gotcha." The boys slumped off towards the door.

"Guys," I couldn't let them go without saying it. They turned to face me, "Be careful."

They nodded and then made their exit. I forced myself up and slid the lock back into place. Castle hadn't moved from his position in the armchair and I sidled up behind him, still fighting the urge to curl up against him.

"Shouldn't you be at home with Alexis and your mother?"

Castle ran his fingers through his hair and stood, "They're at a spa for the weekend. Won't be back until five tomorrow. Or I guess today."

I nodded, looking down at my linked hands and ambling into the kitchen, "Well… ah… thanks Castle for today. I…"

"I'm not leaving tonight, Kate."

"What?".

"I'm not going anywhere tonight. You're hurt and scared and I can't leave you alone to deal with that."

"I'm fine, Rick. You should go home and rest. It's-"

"No, Kate. Dammit." The anger burst from him so surprisingly that I jumped back, "No one's 'fine.' I'm not fine. You sure as hell aren't fine. Stop hiding! Just let me help you."

"What makes you think that I need your help, Castle?" I shot back.

"You need someone and as far as I can tell, you won't let anyone in. So I just have to force my way in, make you hate me for it, because no matter what you say or think, you need someone."

"And who says that someone is you, Castle?" What happened to wanting to hold him? What happened to everything I'd been feeling minutes before? Why was I reverting back to my shell? I turned away from him, crushing my fingers around the counter tops, trying to fight back the rush of emotions at what he was saying.

"I do. Because you're too damn stubborn to let anyone even half as near as I am. I've had to force and pry and poke my way through this far because you won't give. I'm your someone because you won't let anyone else get to where I am and everyone's just given up trying because they think they know you. You're broken and hurting and scared and you just can't admit it. But I know you," He was coming closer, I could feel him hovering feet away at my back. I couldn't force myself to turn around, the tears building behind my eyelids.

"You said I don't. you said it last night but you're wrong. I _do_ know you. I know exactly how to make your coffee. I know that you hate animal movies but love sci fi. I know that you can't stand pop country music and barely tolerate pop in general but you let me listen to it when you're in a good mood. I know things about you that you might not even notice you do. But I notice because no one else does. You've walled yourself off so they just see the wall. _You_ are not just a wall." He was there, fingers brushing the small of my back again as he leaned in.

"Let me be your person. Let me take care of you tonight because neither of us wants to be alone and because we both need this. Please."

Everything he was saying, everything that had happened, all the emotions I'd been crushing that day came pouring out suddenly and I felt my shoulders wrack with barely suppressed sobs. Castle's fingers slipped from my back to curl around my hands on the counter. His chest pressed against my back as he gently pried my hands loose and wrapped his arms around my waist. I couldn't breathe and the tears started to flow as I quivered to keep myself quiet.

"Shh, Kate. Let it out." I wrapped my arms over his and fought back another whimper. This wasn't me. I was supposed to be out there finding evidence, catching killers, righting wrongs. But I was there, wrapped in Castle's arms, barely able to stand.

"No." I slammed a mallet into the wall of emotion and forced myself up right, withdrawing myself from Castle, and sucking a shuddering breath, "No, we need to… go. Do something. Roy must have some paper or something."

I stumbled over to the sink and splashed icy water over my face trying to force away the tears. Focus_. No emotion. Pragmatism. Odd socks. Figure this out, Kate. You're the only one left who can._

I brushed past Castle and headed for the front door, reaching for my keys, but they weren't there.

"Castle, have you seen my-"

"You're not going anywhere, Kate." I turned around and found him clutching my keys in his hand.

"Give me those, right now, Castle."

"No. When was the last time you ate? Or slept? Or even just sat down without worrying about what was coming next? You just half way broke apart in my arms and now you want to go out in the world, half-cocked, trying to use leads we don't have?"

"I need to do something, Castle. I can't just sit here." It came out as more of a plea than an assertion. If I sat down, I'd never get back up. The weight of everything would crush me.

"You can just sit here. You need to. Eat. Sleep. Grieve. This isn't healthy."

"What about you, Castle? You follow me around, get into harms way, eat about as much as I do sometimes. What are you going to do?"

"If you'll let me, I'll stay here. I don't want to be alone, especially not after tonight. Did you not listen to what I said a few minutes ago?"

"I know you're my person, Castle, but-"

"Please, Kate. Would it be any easier for you if I told you that I need this? Because I do. I need to see you alive and eating and feeling and not dying in a hanger. Because when I close my eyes I just see you lying on the floor. Dead. And I can't handle that if I go home or you go out."

There was a tear on his face now and I hated myself again. God. Could I not go through one day without hurting him? I wanted to take care of him, let him in but I just couldn't.

"Castle." It was all I managed to get out before my feet were carrying me to stand before him and my arms were snaking themselves around his body and my eyes were allowing the tears to fall.

Castle's arms were strong and warm around me and I felt his chest shudder as we slid to the floor of my dimly lit kitchen. I clutched the front of his shirt and one of his hands wound its way into my hair as we both let go and broke down, crying for all that had been lost but I was also crying for the things that had been saved.

Montgomery was gone. Castle was here. I hadn't lost one of the most (if not _the_ most) important relationships in my life. The fact that he was such an integral part of my life scared the hell out of me. I'd never needed someone so much, except maybe my mom. He was a rock. He kept me steady and grounded when I was falling away. The thought of my rock eroding away made me choke on the darkness that would envelope me completely if he was gone.

Somehow, no matter what, he'd stayed with me though. I'd yelled at him, shoved him away, shut him out and for some reason he kept coming back. He was like a boomerang. No matter how hard you tried to throw it away, it always returned, loyal, unwaveringly so, no matter how badly you treated it. And when it did, you were always happy to see it.


	2. Chapter 2

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**So. I wrote Boomerang a loooooong time ago and then started this part...and never finished it. But I just did. And I kinda like it. It's... different. Mostly I feel terrible about not updating White Blank Page (I'm just so disengaged from that story and I'm having issues writing it and Blahhhh. I know what is supposed to happen, just not how:P Help?) So here's this. I really hope you enjoy it! Drop me a review, what you liked, what you didnt' (constructively;) ) if you want me to continue it, whatever, feedback, in genteral :)**

**Thanks :)**

**M**

XXX

Boomerang Part 2

My blues clung at my shoulders, almost too tight, but hung loose everywhere else, stiff with starch. The bun I'd pulled my hair into was bordering on painful and my cap sat weirdly against it. I tried to tug on the white gloves that would complete my uniform, but my hands were shaking so badly that I just stuffed them in my pocket, promising myself I'd put them on later.

_We're burying Roy today. _My lungs disappeared. Every time I'd thought that over the last three days (_We bury him on Monday, we bury him tomorrow) _it had stolen my breath. It was still so surreal. At the precinct, everything was stale. The air, the atmosphere, the people. Everyone was quiet, fragile, and each time the break room door opened or that to an interrogation room, heads would shoot up, eyes trained on the Captain's office door, almost expecting him to come out, asking for progress on cases.

Of course, he never did. But that didn't stop the sick burgeoning of hope in everyone's stomachs that disappeared painfully, quickly, just as it had come.

There was a click and I jumped away from the cabinet in my bathroom, clenching my fists in an attempt to stop the shaking. The front door closed quietly.

"Kate?" I sighed and leaned against the sink. Castle.

He'd barely left my side over the last three days, trailing me as always to the precinct, then going home an hour before I left to check on his mother and Alexis before turning up at my apartment, usually bringing coffee, take out, and (one night) cupcakes).

We'd talked for hours each night, fought some, comforted just as much and laughed a little bit in between. And every night, around eleven, I'd tried to get him to go home and he refused just as many times, stating that Alexis and Martha would both give him hell if he came home and promised he was around as long as I needed him.

I tried to convince him (and myself) that I was fine, that I didn't need him, but he'd "call bullshit" each time and tell me to get some sleep. But, somehow, even though he'd start out crashing on the couch, despite my insistence that I take the couch and he could have my bed, he always ended up in there with me anyway, holding me when nightmares tore away the shroud of blissful sleep. We never talked about it. I was always awake before he was, preparing for another day and by the time he was awake, I was walking out the door. Talking straight up had never been our strong suit.

"Kate?" he was closer, ambling softly down the hall.

I glanced in the mirror one last time and found a black tinged tear making its way down my cheek. I wiped it away impatiently, erasing the smudges of my supposedly waterproof mascara. Over my shoulder in the mirror, Castle appeared. If the occasion weren't so gut wrenchingly heart breaking, he'd have looked dashing.

Even so, he looked fantastic in a perfectly cut black suit that hugged his arms and chest over a black dress shirt and tie. An understated watch was synched around his wrist. If his face weren't visible, it would be easy to think he was headed to a premier or a book signing. His eyes and the slump of his shoulder were all that gave away the inner turmoil.

"Hey," his hands came up to rest on the tops of my arms.

"Hi." I resisted the urge to lean back into the warmth of his chest, sink into him and never come out. Instead, after checking my face in the mirror one last time, I flicked off the light in the bathroom, plunging us into half darkness. Castle's palms slid down my arms, squeezed my hands, before letting go and leading the way to the living room. He dropped onto the couch and I followed. The starch in my uniform made it impossible to find a comfortable position.

"How're Martha and Alexis?" I hated how hollow my voice sounded.

"They're okay. Shaken obviously but alright. Picking up your father soon." His arm stretched across the back of the couch and I didn't realize how cold I was until the warmth that he seemed to exude washed over me.

"They really don't have to do that. I mean they don't even have to come. Alexis-"

"Wants to be there," he interrupted, "They both do and they're thrilled to have an opportunity to meet your dad even… given the circumstances."

I nodded absently and glanced down at my watch. 12:27. The funeral was at two thirty. It would take 50 minutes to get there 45 minutes early (Espo, Ryan, Castle, and I were all pallbearers) which meant we had 25 minutes before we even needed to head out.

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked, without meaning to. I turned my head and rested it against his arm for a millisecond before quickly pulling away.

"Anything."

I reached under the coffee table, tugged out a sheaf of blotted paper, and held it out to him, "Can you…ah… can you read this? I… someone nominated me to speak and… I just want it to be…" A lump appeared in my throat and I tried to force the tears away. Not again.

Castle's eyes softened and he took the papers gently, "I'd be honored." He shifted closer, one arm still over the back of the couch, the other holding the notebook to read the words I'd tormented myself over and scribbled out just to rewrite.

Castle took longer to read it than I expected him to. The silence stretched on and on. I started agonizing, rethinking what I'd written, twisting my hands together in my lap. They had chosen the absolute wrong person to speak. I couldn't do this. My hands were shaking again and every breath ripped at the empty cavity of my chest.

"It's perfect." It took me a few moments to register that Castle had spoken.

I twisted to stare at him, swallowing hard. His eyes glistened, eased the ache in my chest as he gently placed the paper in my lap, "It's perfect."

No matter how hard I gritted my teeth, I couldn't stop the single tear that escaped my control or the strangled half noise that slipped from behind my pursed lips. Damn it.

"Shhh," Castles arms were already around me, pressing his chest to my shoulder and plucking at my sleeve until I gave in and slid my arms around him too. Gently, he tugged the cap off my head and set it on the couch behind him, "I know, I'm so sorry. Shh."

Why was he apologizing? Why in the world did he deem that necessary? If anything, I should be apologizing to him. I'd been leaning on him so heavily and didn't feel like I'd done the same for him.

I clenched my hand in the lapel of his suit jacket, pulling away, and glancing up at him. His eyes were glassy and his adam's apple bobbed under his slightly blotchy skin.

"Castle," Unconsciously, I reached up and touched his cheek, surprising both of us when I found it wet.

"Kate." He whispered, leaning to press his forehead to mine.

"Don't." The empty chasm of my chest expanded and it was all I could do to press up and touch my mouth to his. Castle froze momentarily, then leaned in a fraction before tearing us apart, hands clamped tight on the tops of my arms.

"Kate," his voice was rough and he swallowed hard, "What...?"

"I'm sorry." I gasped, pulling away from him further, retreating to pace near the kitchen, "I thought..."

He dragged a hand tiredly though his hair, and I realized how tired he had to be. The night before had been particularly bad and I'd had a full on panic attack for God knows how long. He hadn't gone to sleep until after I did.

"God, I ... You know what...I want... just hold off, okay? Until after the funeral. Til it's not grief."

"How do you know if it's grief?" I whispered, wringing my hands. There was something in the way we'd... been for the last few days, not to mention everything that had (or hadn't) happened in Los Angeles and then that kiss... Saying there wasn't something between us was just lying. And I was tired of lying to myself. He made me feel safe and warm and it was a feeling I'd been missing for 12 years. And now that I'd finally found it, was ready to admit it, he was pulling away.

"God. You are not going to make this easy, are you?" He sighed, lacing his fingers behind his head.

His response left me breathless and I stared up at him, "You said five days ago that we never talk and here I am and you're pulling away. Talk about irony, Castle." I spun on my heel, scooped my cap from where it had fallen and turned toward the door, "Lock the door on your way out."

"Kate, wait. I didn't..." His hand grasped my shoulder and spun me. I was trapped between him and the door.

"Castle, let me go. You don't want to talk, I get it. Whatever. I'll see you at the funeral." My voice wavered on the last word and I kicked myself internally. _Get it together, dammit. _

"No, look." I started to try to push him away, but he grabbed my hands, held them to his chest and leaned down again to press our lips together.

My throat closed further off and I pulled away sharply, "Castle."

"Kate." He matched my tone and pressed his forehead to mine.

"What do you want from me?" I was ashamed of how much my question sounded like a plea, "I thought you'd want this and then you didn't and now-"

"You. I just want you."

I shuddered as his breath wafted over my cheeks, the barest hint of his lips against mine. My hands came up of their own accord and cradled his face. A sudden overwhelming panic swept me. This was _Castle. _And me. And we were burying Roy... I choked on a sob and pulled away, "You're right. After the funeral, we'll-"

"After the funeral." he promised, cutting me off and laying a hand at my cheek, "It's too much right now. But..."

"I know." I shuddered and closed my eyes slowly, memorizing every line of his hand at my cheek, the warmth of his palm, the curl of his fingers. His lips were back, skirting my cheek bone to rest at my forehead.

After what felt like an eternity, I took a deep breath and gently pushed his hand away to glance at my watch.

"Castle, we have to go." I sighed as his mouth pressed firmly to my forehead one more before he pulled further away. I missed it instantly, the steadying weight of his presence. The warmth.

He bent and scooped my cap from where it had fallen from my fingers when he'd kissed me the second time. After absently brushing bits of nonexistent lint off the bill he handed it back and pick up my keys.

"Let's go."

XXX

I only remembered parts of the funeral. I recalled driving there , suddenly clutching Castle's hand tighter with each block as we neared the cemetery. The walk from the car to the hearse, the slow march behind it to the gravesite was all a blur. The cool, hard wood under my fingers, Espo's sharp order to turn after we'd set it on the ground, each taking a moment to brush our fingers over the top of the casket, those were the moments that would be forever engrained in my memory, every tiny detail, every whorl of the wood, the anticipation of the speech to come rising like bile in my throat, the tearing ache in my chest, the sudden need to fling myself into Castle's arms, bury myself in him, never come out because it was safe and warm there, nothing hurt as much there.

I glimpsed him slipping the dark sunglasses from his eyes, trying discreetly to wipe his face and I almost went to him but a glance at Evelyn and the kids stopped me. They deserved every ounce of devotion that we could put into this and numbing myself with Castle wasn't what was called for. So, shaking, I mounted the podium and untucked the slightly crumpled speech from my pocket. Everything was too bright, the sun gleaming off Alexis' titian hair and the badges of my fellow cops, the kelly green grass, the robin's egg sky. This wasn't a day for putting someone close to your heart into the ground.

I lost myself in the words quickly but one part stuck in my head and the need to just see Castle became too strong.

"Captain Montgomery once told me that for us there is no victory. There are only battles. And in the end the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you."When I reached that point I had to pause, give myself a moment to swallow the lump that had caused my voice to shake, and glance at the man who had stood with me through everything. I'd felt his eyes on me the whole time but then was the moment that I needed our connection, needed to know he was with me even now.

He didn't let me down, meeting my wavering gaze with a steady one seeming to say _Go on. I'm right here. You've got this. I'm always right here. _My lips barely twitched in response.

XXX

That was the last thing I remembered before waking up in the hospital the next day (or so I told myself). His steady gaze grounding me.

Somewhere in my mind I knew though. Could still feel the bullet ripping through my body, the steady pour and pool of blood on the too-green grass beneath me, his hands, one grasping my side, the other tangling in my hair, loosened from its bun upon impact with the ground. Could see his anguished blue eyes as he pleaded brokenly that I stay with him. Could hear the way his voice cracked on my name as he whispered _I love you._

How could I forget that?

_I love you too._


End file.
